Game #6 Recap: Pretty in Pink

This was our week. We had a great theme (pink flamingoes -- thanks Cindy!) and a spirited turnout by our ‘Nuts supporters! So many people were coming we considered charging admission for box seats and roaming the aisles selling beer and hot dogs!! I mean, this was turning into a BIG DEAL! But most importantly, the ‘Nuts were playing the only team they had beaten so far this year, Thirsty Isle. Yay! Could this be the week we double our win total???

Oh, and let’s not forget all the treats that were brought for the team and fans. Dori took jello shot making to the extreme. I mean, even Martha "Ankle Bracelets are the New Chandelier Earring" Stewart slinked away with her tail between her legs after seeing these concoctions. Even though it wasn’t Pride Week Dori made rainbow shots, which were amazingly, a layer of red, orange, yellow and green jello all separated by a layer of creamy white goodness! I mean these things were delicacies! I think the only other place to get them is from the Ritz-Carlton’s Happy Hour menu!! Then she took these individual jelly containers (you know, like the kind your crazy aunt used to steal from diners) and injected them with rum! Amazing effort Dori!! I heard she was up until midnight last night creating everything, and was wondering if she realizes she’ll be doing this every Wednesday night for perhaps the rest of her life? Hmmm … sometimes it sucks to be good at something.

So we had plenty of other treats and snacks (all pink) and we made sure the team was included in our theme, because like the sign says, “We’re tickled pink about our ‘Nuts!” Every player wore some sort of pink, including Dawn who has a big-time fear of the color! Kara sported some pink fatty shoe laces in her cleats and others wore pink ribbons and fluffy ponytail holders. Connie “Fear of Handbags” even sported a sassy pink tote, and Cindy brought her pink flamingo from her front yard to watch from the sidelines. Way to carry out a theme guys!!

So let’s start talking about the game, since that’s what some people came for. Kara “Visors are Hot” Perkins must have been given supernatural powers by the fatties because she blasted a double to start things off!!! Then Walter singled before Raquel also got on base …. all setting the table for Darryl “Double D” Dearborn who knocked in Walter and maybe Raquel too! Then Dawn got up and walked. Wait, she never walks. Let’s call them sashays from now on. So Dawn sashays and Robert singles before Criselle “How’s my tiara” Espiritu does an amazing spin for a strike before eventually grounding out. So we’re like totally winning and stuff!!! Someone points out the other team has yet to bat, but I am a “glass half full” type of person and am still excited that we are like totally winning and stuff!

Now it’s Thirsty Isle’s turn. Sure they want to avenge their humiliating defeat from earlier this season and boy, they came to play! Their girls even tried to look tough by strapping on knee braces and stuff … but we weren’t going to be intimidated. Mike McLean handled pitching duties for Sean “Oh Boy” O’Boylan and delivered his artful pitches with a really neato backspin! Yay Mike! Some Thirsty Isle (T.I.) guy hit the ball to the outfield but Walter “Willie Mays Who?” Marquez made a spectacular over the shoulder catch to rob them. Then T.I. somehow got some people on base but Mike totally scampered to home plate to get the force out!! It was very good hustle by the old guy. Richard "I Can't Believe I'm Missing the A's Game for This" West, our very first BSE (Big Shot Executive) in attendance, promptly requested an oxygen tank be taken out to Mike to help speed his recovery. Glad to see someone took that First Aid class! Then the inning was over when shortstop Alex “Even though I’m here physically I’m still at the beach mentally” Porter fired a shot to KP to nail the runner at first. While that was certainly hot, wanna know the best part? No runs for T.I. so we’re still like totally winning and stuff!!

Ok, so the next inning Mike “Oxygen Chamber” McLean leads things off with a powerful single before Alex blasts a bomb to right field! Kara singles with authority, Walter does something to get on base and Raquel drives a shot that she totally has to run really hard to first base for, which proved interesting to those who were there (should next week be drawstring week?). Then Double D steps up and launches a moonshot to left field to get a real legitimate triple! We score like a million more runs and are clearly like way ahead!! Dawn ends the inning with a groundout to the pitcher, punctuated by a sassy kick/half-turn/jump/hop combo. Way to multi-task dawn!!!

Then T.I. doesn’t score any more runs and we get to bat again! The ‘Nuts go down 1-2-3 but we still had way more fans than the other team, the best jello shots ever, a very sassy pink theme, an umpire who appreciated that the girls don’t button their jerseys so we finally got some calls and bubble machines. I think we know who the real winners are.

As for defense, Raquel saw this guy on the basepaths who wasn’t attached to a base so she like totally DOVE head first into his ankle to tag him out!! It was so dramatic and spectacular, the guy was crestfallen – I mean you could just tell he’s never had a girl dive at his feet before, and now it finally happens but at a softball game of all places and now he has to get back in the dugout!! But the joy was short-lived as someone from TI hits an inside the park home run and they are up by one run.

But these are the ‘Nuts! The mighty, mighty ‘Nuts! And we have Marydale up, who nearly singled, Alex who planted a shot between three confused TI outfielders, Kara, who singled to left and Walter, who blasted a triple and collected some RBIs, and Raquel who got on first, and Darryl who tripled (!) and Dawn who got an amazing double and did a prancy pose on the base to celebrate! Then something happened and the inning was over and we were down 9-7.

Now we’re at that awkward part of the game where we’re not being Mercy Ruled and we’re playing past one-hour, all the more fascinating since the league has a one-hour time limit. We sort of have no idea what to do with ourselves since we’ve hung in there so long. The snacks were gone, the liquor was drying up, the jello was starting to get that tough layer of skin on it, the flamingo wanted to nap and was standing on one leg now, and yet we were still playing ball!

We still had plays to make as Kara did a superstretch to catch a ball at first to get the runner and Raquel stabbed a line-drive at third. But the ‘Nuts were now down 12-9 and the sweet, thoughtful, generous umpire decided to give us another chance to bat. And we did not disappoint! A-Port was up and thought he was going to get very handy double so he could stop for a breather at second base, but no! T.I. totally misplayed the ball with overthrows, short hops, misfires, etc. and he has to keep running! His rumbling, bumbling, lumbering around the bases paid off as he recorded the coveted inside the park home run! He promptly collapsed from dehydration and exhaustion, like those NFL linemen do when they run back a fumble for a TD, and ripped Mike’s oxygen tank right out of his hands!!

Walter fired a shot to the outfield but some girl out there caught it with her face (we’re not impressed, her hair wasn’t even cute) and then Raquel and Darryl ended the game after one of them grounded out. So this was a tough loss for our ‘Nuts. We were like totally winning and stuff for most of the game, but somehow Thirsty Isle was able to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

But that’s OK because we had WAY more fun, are WAY more popular, have WAY more friends, and have WAY better outfits than them. Did we not learn anything from Alicia Silverstone in Clueless? We also have WAY better jello shots and even had people with the words “vice chancellor” in their title in attendance. So THERE, T.I.

So THERE.

HA!